To Honor America…
We’ve had a rip-roaring run of holidays to celebrate lately in 2024. First Lunar New Year, then Fat Tuesday and Mardi Gras celebrations, followed by the double-dip on Feb 14 of both Valentine’s Day and Ash Wednesday (if you do it right you’ll have plenty of things on your face forehead this year so be sure to exfoliate properly), closing out with everyone’s favorite proxy holiday to celebrate both Washington and Lincoln’s birthday on a Monday, President’s Day.
And now, to honor America, the definitive ranking of The Presidents of The United States of America songs based on which actual President of The United States of America they represent.
#1 – “Lump”: Jimmy Carter
In 2015 Jimmy Carter had a lump removed from his liver, later followed by a diagnosis of metastasized melanoma in both his brain and liver. Somehow, he survived treatments despite being 91 by December of the same year and, I guess, was just perfectly healthy afterward.
Healthy enough to live another 8 years before finally going into hospice care in 2023. Oh, to be exact it was February 18, 2023, which if you’re playing along at home was a year from yesterday. So, assuming Jimmy Carter hasn’t died in the night, Mr. Carter has been in hospice care for a year, watched his wife die during that time, and is still somehow clinging to life nearing his 100th birthday in October. He’s gonna make it, too, just watch. That Presidential funeral the Capitol had planned is gonna turn into a 100th birthday celebration, then Barack Obama’s funeral from a severe car accident, and then Bill Clinton’s mysterious death in a prison holding cell after finally be arraigned for all his lifelong crimes. THEN, Jimmy Carter is allowed to die.
#2 – “Peaches”: Zviad Gamsakhurdia
Damn, this was tough to not just choose Jimmy Carter again, for obvious reasons, being from the Peach state after all. But Lump was the more appropriate choice at this stage. No other U.S. Presidents have been from Georgia, thus, we have to settle for a head of state from the Republic of Georgia, and the George Washington, if you will, of this cute little Post-Soviet breakaway state is of course Zviad Konstantines dze Gamsakhurdia.
I don’t think I have to explain to our readers the history of the founding of Post-Soviet republic Georgia, nor the violent warlord-led uprising that ultimately deposed Gamsakhurdia as the first President of a free Georgia, his escape to Chechnya, and his return after the Civil War and his eventual rehabilitation in the eyes of the State of Georgia after the 2003 Rose Revolution so I’ll save the details for another time.
#3 – “Video Killed The Radio Star” (The Buggles Cover): Donald Trump
Donald Trump seems to have a lot of ideas that feel a lot more comfortable in the era of radio dominance in media (think the 1930s). Also, countless alleged “adult themed” video tapes with his participation have been proffered over the years. Once one of those actually comes out, it could finally kill this star-crossed potential radio star.
#4 – “Kitty”: Bill Clinton
I mean, I don’t think there’s a lot of required explanation here. This song came out during Clinton’s presidency, so it’s even more fitting; really fits the zeitgeist of living in Slick Willy’s America.
I also love the idea of Bill sleeping out on the couch in the White House after Hillary kicked him out of the bedroom after he admitted the Lewinsky affair, and just lying there not able to fall asleep, singing this song, first quietly then shouting it loud enough that Hillary can hear in the next room just to irritate her and get under her skin so she might let him back into their bed.
#5 – “Kick Out The Jams” (Loose Cover of MC5): Gerald Ford
Ask yourself this: who was the most punk-rock President? Yeah, obviously it’s your old pal Gerry Ford.
I mean, he was never elected President. What’s more punk rock than that?! Punks are the guys that just show up to their job as a line cook occasionally and fall ass-backward into responsibility no one planned on giving them because Dave the manager loss his hand in a Stoli-induced potato peeling accident.
You know for sure Gerald was rocking out to original version of this song by MC5 back was he was VP. Then he gets slung into the job he totally didn’t want (front of the house). Now he’s got to fit into a jacket that’s too big, stand under the return fan to get the smell of weed off of him, cover expo for frickin’ Neil who called off because his ’72 Vega’s radiator blew (again). Life was tough for Gerald for a couple years there. He just wanted to party, enjoy his youth middle-age, knock back a couple of Hudy’s and call it a night. Wake up at noon the next day and start it all over again. But fate would have it another way for us punks. Miss you, Gerry…miss you.
#6 – “Dune Buggy”: George W. Bush
Yeah, this one feels right. And this image of George in a border patrol buggy, only makes it more obvious.
Speaking of Presidents who just wanted to have a good time, W. is simply Him.
Do you honestly think when the White House staff was like, sir you have the option to ride along with the Border Patrol in a truck or a dune buggy, he even hesitated? I don’t know the context of this photo, but I like to think George commissioned the creation of the Border Buggy just so he could have some fun with the photo-op. An inspired leader, truly with his people on his mind…(and little else).
#7 – “Some Postman”: Abraham Lincoln
Honest. Abe. One of only two Presidents (along with Harry Truman – sorry for the consolation prize here) to serve as Postmaster General before becoming President. Abe was, however, the only one to actually ever serve as a postmaster.
![[Abraham Lincoln, bust portrait, beard]](https://i0.wp.com/snowsoundmusic.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/cHJpdmF0ZS9sci9pbWFnZXMvd2Vic2l0ZS8yMDIyLTA5L2xyL2xvYzIwMDg2ODA5MTYtaW1hZ2UuanBn.webp?resize=640%2C776&ssl=1)
Take it from a clipping from a bizarre pdf posted on the USPS’s official website:
Besides his pay, Lincoln, as postmaster, could
send and receive personal letters free and get one daily newspaper
delivered free.
Mail arrived once a week, delivered on a route running from Springfield
to Millers Ferry. If an addressee did not collect his or her mail at the Post
Office, as was the custom, Lincoln delivered it personally – usually
carrying the mail in his hat. Even then, Lincoln was “Honest Abe.”
Hell, fucking, yeah he was.
Also this song is about some postman grooving to all our love letters and then crying. I like to think maybe there was a bit of an edge to Abe, maybe he had a dark side and would go through people’s mail and read their love letters. That would be kinda sick. Somewhere down there he holds back a restless, rebellious spirit.
#8 – “Boll Weevil”: Franklin Delano Roosevelt
The homie was wheelchair bound. This song is about a guy who “spends all day on his big butt…stuck on his big couch.”
The guy spent much of his younger adult days not moving because he couldn’t. This is perfect, right? But the great redemptive quality for any boll weevils out there is that you can achieve great things.
In FDR’s case he became a great politician, and leader during The Great Depression, and WWII, despite his disability. All he needed was someone to coax him out, make him see the sun is shining outside for him to get up and make deals with other great men like Stalin.
(Also, another great opportunity to have used Jimmy Carter given the namesake pest of this song really devastating Georgia at times historically, but I went with the cripple angle here instead).
#9 – “Feather Pluckn”: Teddy Roosevelt
This song is about animals learning to play instruments, communicate with each other, and drive cars without being taught. So it’s fitting that Teddy Roosevelt, our greatest animal loving President and conservationist gets this spot.
Now I did toy with a couple alternatives here. One was Woodrow Wilson since he was a really “progressive” guy so he probably believed in evolution which I think is maybe what this song is about…not sure.
Another option was Barack Obama, because guys like Woodrow Wilson at the time also believed that, in their words, “inferior” races were somewhere in the chain of evolution between ape and man, and again the idea of animals learning these anthropomorphic traits without being taught felt consistent with this idea and Mr. Obama as the allegorical achievement becoming President. Now writing this started to sound a little racist, so I decided against that avenue with this spot, but thought I’d include here because not having Barack Obama mentioned in this blog, may also be construed as racist. Hedging my bets here folks, just doing the best I can.
#10 – “Ca Plane Pour Moi” (Plastic Bertrand Cover): Harry Truman
This song is in French, which made me think, ok did we have a French President?
The answer is uninterestingly, yes. A few presidents can trace French ancestry in their families, including George Washington and LBJ. But only one had both French ancestry and was also literally the President of France.
Truman became France’s father by virtue of being U.S. President on V-E day in 1945. Because France is was a bunch of sissy losers who capitulated to the Nazis as soon as they realized they had no military power or will to fight the German menace, it was the responsibility of jolly old England and the U.S. to win the war (and don’t give me that crap about the Free French fighters and de Gaulle, I saw Casablanca, I know what the deal with Vichy was). At any rate, Truman was spiritually in charge of France being the Commander in Chief while our armies actually occupied the territories, so he gets this cover song which it turns out is originally of Belgian origin, but that’s okay it’s still in the French language, and I needed to get this rant out. Thank you for your patience.
Honorable Mentions
“little indian princess”: Nikki Haley
If Nikki Haley becomes President in the future this would be perfect. Of course the song is singing about Native Americans and Ms. Haley is of extraction from the Subcontinent, but still, hey it works, ok.
“We Are Not Going To Make It”: Joe Biden
He’s going to die before Jimmy Carter too.
“Cleveland Rocks”: Grover Cleveland
Duh.
“Bath of Fire”: William Howard Taft
He got stuck in a bathtub.