Notorious Dweeb Bill Gates Funds Study That Concludes All Risks, Zero Benefits for Young People Drinking Alcohol

Cements Legacy As Biggest Nerd of All Time

Ah alcohol, as Homer Simpson once so eloquently put it, “The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”

And as long as there has been alcohol to drink, there has always been those wet blankets that want you to stop.

Enter the wettest of all blankets every fabricated, one William Henry Gates III.

You see his foundation funds a ton of worthless studies to help us better understand the world including using tomatoes and lasers to better treat viral infections, as well as their most recent breakthrough, how to be the biggest buzzkill of all time.

The study suggests that for people under the age of 40, there are zero (0) benefits to drinking any amount of alcohol, and only health risks.

Well, yeah, I mean duh there’s health risks, do I need to put a smashed up 2001 Pontiac Grand Prix in the grass in front of your local High School to illustrate that point?

But zero benefits? You’re out of your mind. The economist would explain to you there would be zero market for alcohol at all if there weren’t benefits to drinking it.

For example, it makes you more fun. Nobody’s less fun after having a few drinks. Well actually, I guess angry drunks, abusive stepfathers, and Mark McGrath would all be good examples of people who maybe could qualify as “less fun.”

At any rate, alcohol is wondrous in relaxing you, making you more talkative, and interesting. Those all seem like benefits. Especially if you’re under 40. Once you’re over 40 there’s essentially no use for being any of those things, you’re basically already dead.

Speaking of, in fact, Bill Gates a now divorced, unemployed computer nerd is opening his piggy bank to pay for this “science?” By the way, if I learned anything in college, is that every study you’ve ever read is a complete joke. All they do is take a bunch of aggregated data, dump it in excel, run one regression analysis and put together the factors that seem to line up statistically. So basically what they found is that in people under 40 there’s no health benefits (besides you know mental, emotional, and social health which are less medically quantifiable, good work), and in people over 40 they surprisingly did find some health benefits. Why?

Well old people are a lot like you and me. Only they’re older. Which means they’ve managed to live long enough to avoid or at least survive any major health issues as they get older each year. Meaning older people are statistically more healthy in aggregate than a younger cohort (assuming they haven’t done anything actionable that is bad for their health, like heavy drinking) because they’ve survived that long so their genes must be good. Thus, drinking small amounts of alcohol for these people may or may not provide many health benefits, but as it were doesn’t show much health risk. They’ve lived this long so they’re likely much more responsible drinkers to begin with, and all those young irresponsible drinkers have already died off due to the “health risks” of drinking young (mainly being irresponsible enough to drink and drive and then die).

The overarching point of course being that Bill Gates is a nerd, and no matter how much this study has nothing to do with him, I’ll still blame and his crappy operating system for any issues I see in society. And I will happily drink my doctor recommended amount of “safe” alcohol and smoke my doctor recommended cigarettes.

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